Wish List for Good SexAustralian sex therapist Dr Rosie King is an expert at giving couples advice about desire discrepancy – the common situation when one partner – usually the man – want sex more frequently than the other.
In two books on the topic – Good Sex Loving Sex and Where Did My Libido Go? she offers great advice on all aspects of helping make your sex life loving and enjoyable.
One simple idea she shares is to create your own “Wish List for Sex” to enable you to understand better what you enjoy and what turns you off.
Creating The ListHere is how you create a Wish List for Sex
- Set aside ten minutes, with pen and paper and somewhere quiet.
- Close your eyes and think of the three best (most pleasurable and satisfying) sexual experiences you have had – whether with someone or on your own.
- If you haven’t had a good sexual experience, imagine how it might be.
- Note what it was that made it so good for you
Physically: were you feeling fit, well, sober, energetic?
Relationally: were you feeling safe or in love?
And Setting: do you prefer a sense of privacy, adequate time, a romantic setting, no danger of interruption?
What Didn’t You Like?
Now think of your three worst experiences of sex and maybe use similar headings…
How were you feeling:
Emotionally: did you feel shy or self conscious about your body? Maybe your partner was off hand or critical, plainly didn’t care about you
Physically: Were you too drunk to recall much?
Relationally: Did you feel a lack of control? Did you fear getting pregnant or getting an STD
Now circle those things which you feel are critical to your enjoyment of sex, and the things that are less important.
Ask your partner to make his own list, and then share them and discuss them.
Says Dr King: “No matter what your negative and positive conditions for sex turn out to be, it is much easier to accept them than to try to change or ignore them.”
By ensuring these conditions are met, you’ll get more enjoyment from sex.
And remember that as you age these conditions will become more important, not less so.